38 Comments
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Krystal Miss's avatar

😆, me too: “Not only would I need to see pics of a corpse before offering condolences, but I’d also require like a week’s worth of ‘Weekend at Bernie’s’ type footage of you and a friend dragging said dead relative through the Hamptons clad in blue Member’s Only jackets.”

I will never share my most personal business in a generic form. It’s sickening that we’ve reached a point that exploiting your trauma, or what you think is trauma, in order to gain a like from a stranger who doesn’t give a fuck bc they’re busy growing their own “brand” is considered okay. Let’s “normalize” the stupidest shit and everyone’s a therapist. 😆

I will only worry about what I can change. And control my input.

I’m going through a very tough time right now (you know I have an actual disease that was diagnosed by an actual doctor) and I told my friend the other day that I’m going to write a vague post for prayers, I heard that will heal me. 😆 What I’m actually going to do is turn it into a great piece of writing. :)

Thanks for the laughs, Mike. I’m glad I met you.

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Mike Knittel's avatar

omg, YES to all of that. you cheat the trauma when you sell it out like that, right? you honor it by writing a brilliant poem or essay or short story (or novel). I think that actually acts as a sort of prayer in a way.

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Krystal Miss's avatar

Yes, everything is cheaper now in our society (but eggs, apparently, lol). The better form requires tons of effort and most “writers” just don’t have it. Truth.

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Darius's avatar

I am already waiting for part two of this brilliant analysis of Substack writers' types.

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Mike Knittel's avatar

I think there's enough material for a part 2 for sure

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Robert Gowty's avatar

“demented form of ritualistic sanctimony.” If the online writing gig doesn’t work out you might want to consider writing psychology textbooks.

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Mike Knittel's avatar

ha! Ive been reading about MK Ultra mind control stuff lately, which is both psychological and ritualistic..and I'm seeing some disturbing parallels with social media

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Robert Gowty's avatar

Yes, I look at it and wonder why it sounds familiar. Often, it's unironically adopting the language of advertising. Like an ad earnestly pronouncing the need to get a difficult stain out. Don't know anything about MK Ultra, other than having heard the name.

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Jojo Teckina's avatar

I’m the artist seeking validation (for long suppressed talent, and truncated education!) ahh, Mike…

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Mike Knittel's avatar

JoJo! You likely won't believe this but I'll tell you anyway...

Kurt Vonnegut suggested that writers write for 1 or 2 people. To have these people in their heads as they write, more or less. Just for focus and coherence. Well I have about 4 or 5 people, and you're one of them.

You prevent me from going too far. I can sense your amusement at times and disappointment:) I'm very serious! Some version of you exists in my head when writing and it's all very useful.

I've got a few other voices in there too, old friends and classmates, and they help me steer the ship.

Always lovely to hear from ya.

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Jojo Teckina's avatar

Michael! 🤣 That’s awesome. The mom looks, focused accusatory stares and lectures about manners and being nice are coming through the ethos and landing on you. They work on my almost 10 year old like a charm, and boys are basically all the same. He listens about as much as you do, though! So I know I’m about 40% effective. 🤗

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Patrick Eades's avatar

I don't know what signal.to.noise ratio is, but there's a very high shit to not shit ratio in notes. If ChatGPT isn't writing these notes I'm even more worried about the future of humanity.

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Mike Knittel's avatar

lol exactly. I almost hope it's Chat GPT

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Jaap STIJL's avatar

Christ, I came here for my dopamine scroll and instead got punched in the spleen by a truth machine. wtf is going on here?

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Mike Knittel's avatar

sorry Jaap, I was in a ranting mood :)

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Allen Kwon's avatar

Finally, someone said it. Substack Notes is just high school with better fonts.

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David Perlmutter's avatar

-"Life’s a stage, some old crusty bastard once said, and all the men and women merely actors." It was William Shakespeare, and he said "players" (what they were called in his time), not "actors".

-It is labor intensive and time consuming, but so is/was Twitter/X, and the people there seem to be far more unhinged. At least I know someone that reads my Substack will read my Notes as well.

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Mike Knittel's avatar

I still haven't done the X thing yet. I don't feel that motivated either. I'll stick with Notes for the same reason you mentioned

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Pebbles's avatar

Hilarious. Marinating in this with a chuckle.

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Mike Knittel's avatar

Thanks Pebbles!

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Julie Dee's avatar

Bang on and superbly expressed. Social media has made cynics of the best of us. I can’t like this enough. 👌🏼

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Mike Knittel's avatar

thanks so much Julie Dee. By the way, I've stolen "bang on" from you and I've already used it twice lol, so thanks for that. I just like the way it looks in print.

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Julie Dee's avatar

Pleased to have discovered you on here :)

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Mike Knittel's avatar

right back at ya

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Ella Ben Emanuel's avatar

Super true, I'm sad to say.

When I hear cliches, I come up in hives. Feel free to check out my substack. I hope I don't belong to any of the categories.

If you want to read stuff that is honest, cuts to the bone and peppered with humor and wry sarcasm, then look no further. I got to midlife, stopped caring about what others think, and started documenting the funny quirks that make me human.

https://open.substack.com/pub/ellabe?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android&r=4jszre

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Mike Knittel's avatar

thanks for the read and thoughtful comment Ella. Hell yeah I'll read your stuff. You sound like a kindred spirit.

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Marcus Musick's avatar

I’ve seen quite a few of these! They all start to blend together after a while.

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Mike Knittel's avatar

zero strategy, moderate talent, somehow still here.

made me laugh! that’s awesome:)

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Christopher Wolf's avatar

Mike, I cannot begin to tell you how 'simpatico' I am with this piece—to use one of the cuntiest words of said cunts.

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Mike Knittel's avatar

well from one cunt to another, thank you:)

‘cunt’ is another one of those great Brit slang words. It’s really not fair..you guys have all the good ones, and all we have is “idiot” and “asshole”. it forces me to culturally appropriate sometimes

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Christopher Wolf's avatar

Haha… always a pleasure, Mike.

Yeah, we do have some good ones. There's great pleasure to be derived from Wankers and Bollocks; Bellend is a personal fave (leaned into with real gusto on the ‘B'! Often pleasingly preceded by ‘Total.’) Twat deserves honourable mention (often said as ‘Twot' on your side—forgive me.) Think Cunt is of Germanic origin (fittingly or not?), but predictably, we've swallowed it up and made it our own!

P.S. ‘How very dare you!’

Appropriate away, my good man—it brings us herein these pages great pleasure indeed! :)

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Ginger Cook (GC)'s avatar

I fall into both the cute dog and whores categories. Are we still friends?

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Smillew's avatar

ChatGPT has something to tell you:

Hey, maybe think twice before posting next time. If you're doubting it, there might be a reason. Trust your gut and keep it to yourself if it doesn't feel right. You got this.

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Debdutta Pal's avatar

I feel restless if I don't talk about myself every five minutes. It's a terrible affliction.

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